In Progress...

I seek the inspiration of a million tiny birds in the sky on a cloudless day. I can speak only in dreams and aspirations. I am that single wish of every teenage girl to marry that rock star. I am what makes us all ugly. I am the flick of an eyebrow across a room at a stranger. I seek to be ignored. I am an entire book of clichéd sayings and story's we've heard already. I seek to be told once again. Then once more. You don't know my optimism. You don't know. No. Black framed glasses and half my face have been left in the drawer next to my bed. You can't open it. I seek they key to open it. Your headband is falling off again.

You had your finger in my mouth this morning. What way was the wind blowing? You forgot some skin under my fingernail. I Shall mail it to you. I seek the necessary postage. I could argue with you for days about everything. At least you'd be talking to me.

I am Alone. I will remain alone, that is until you claim me, or ask me if I would mind being claimed that is. It would appear to me that you are almost always gone. For brief fleeting moments I smell you on my clothes. The wind usually takes care of that. What way was it blowing?

When you are here I feel as though you have never left. Maybe you never did leave, and I am actually aging more rapidly than I had ever imagined I would. Do you think I'll have wrinkles by tomorrow? I guess it depends on how short my life is, especially if time only exists when you are curled around me. So far I am 32 hours old... and already I can drive.

Life with you is a birthday on a leap year.

I dream in sepia tone, yet you are always jet black. I have no use for your nonsense, or for your swallowed tears (if they even exist.) still, what if they don't exist? I cry for the both of us. I'm not as depressed as I thought. You aren't as happy as you thought.

You are the musty smell of every basement crawlspace. The colour green. You are a gasp of air by every child after having their head submerged. Your name is "No". I have burned the walls of your village several times. I have traced my fingers down your spine. "You" are still hiding somewhere inside. You are a single white ant on a flat black beach.

When you talk, you speak like a mosh pit. I'll have to grit my teeth to withstand this one. Blow the smoke from your nostrils for a change. I can see you out of the corner of my eye. It's not my fault I love him. Don't scowl at me. You know, you never cease to confuse me my dear.

At 5:56 I will slit my left wrist. (I am right-handed) I'm not depressed; I could just use some attention right then. Did you hear her? Of course not. Now it’s 5:31.

I am Ignored. What? Oh, don't mind me. I'm sorry. After you.

She told you if you kept making that face it would freeze like that. You will be forever this time. Though, I must admit I’m fond of your fracture. Here it comes. I'll break your nose to prove I exist.

I am trying as hard as I can not to try to hard this time. I will not force you to fit. I will make you do anything you want to do. I will make you feel bad. I will continue to be used at every available opportunity. And I will like it.

..........

I woke up on the right side of the wrong bed this morning. You were lying beside me with your arm wrapped tightly around me, like a noose... this love is death over and over. You are stress. You are every doubt I have ever had. You can never be certain. You can't be anything consistently, not even yourself.
Get up and help me find my shirt.

I decided I'm leaving you at 11:56 today, and there's everything you can say to change my mind. Speaking of which, have you seen it? I think it's run off with my spine.

You are the most I have ever dreamt. You are the least I have accomplished. You are the extra bit of sleep when I realize I've woken up before my alarm again... you are my re-claimed night. You are the uneasy feeling I get right before something incredible is about to happen. I know this because I get the same feeling each time you touch me. Then again when you stop.

Each time I see you I get a head-rush. In your arms I'll faint a million times, every second. You will not notice. You never notice anything. You are a sunrise without the morning. A glow without the star. A wish without the thought. A future without the past.

What? Forget it. It's in the past.

I haven’t forgotten, I'm just confused. I stopped listening ages ago but I still know every word you've said. You are a brunette with blonde hair. Your eyes are oceans, they just happen to be brown.

We are communism. You are a face. I am a blink.
If I may, I'd like to hide in your arms forever. I'll cross my fingers behind your back and wish for you to live a few minutes longer. Just a few more minutes.

I'll bury my face in your chest and cry for my youth. I'll cry for my innocence. I'll cry for every time you've hurt me, and twice for all the times you didn't mean to. I'll cry without tears. I'll cry without a sound. I'll cry on the inside and murder my soul in the bloodiest of fashions. Then I will mount it so you can hang it above your mantle.

Just let my stay a few more minutes.

Every time you walk away without kissing me goodbye I feel like I’ve wasted my life. Then I somehow feel as though you are reclaiming yours. Maybe you are supposed to leave me like this. Maybe this is how I'm destined to die; curled in a ball against the rocks of your driveway wondering if this will ever just end. Make me stay or let me go. Maybe it's me. Maybe I make too much of things. Maybe it's you. Maybe I make too much of you. Maybe you aren't a puzzle at all. Maybe I’ve been trying to put together a painting all along.

You are a candy cane that's become to sharp.
It looks like I better start chewing.


It's come down to flee or fight. I wonder which I'll choose.

**********

It feels like I’ve been digging this grave for years. It's still not deep enough. I have far too much baggage to take with me. My back hurts from all this shoveling. I've been digging through your shit, your mixed messages and your indecisiveness. I dig through you, through your problems, your secrets and all the things you tell me not to worry about. I want to cover myself in the ground. I want to have something I can count on. Something as sure as death, but less grim. I will steal your soul at 3:56. It's only fair though, you already have mine.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being glared at through closed eyelids. Angry faces under baseball caps. I can still remember how you smelled the day I met you. Maybe I should have stayed in bed that day.

I definitely should have stayed in bed today.

If I lived in a movie you would have shown up at my house tonight, in the pouring thunderous rain. You, in a dark shirt screaming up at the second story of my house. The window of my room would have conveniently faced the street. I would have been inside in a white tank top, no bra, hearing you pour your heart out. Bleeding it in some scripted, yet poetic way. I would fly down the staircase and throw open the doors and kiss you, soaking us both and tell you some perfectly timed witty saying like "what took you so long?"

But I don't live there and neither do you, now instead I'll sit with my forehead against pictures of you that I taped to my wall. I put them up in so much haste months ago when I told myself this time will be different... and I will surrender again to the reality of this situation. Then I will take the pictures down.

I will take you down and put you in a drawer to save till the next time it will be different this time.

I'm glad I don't actually know you, or how you think. I'm glad you are an asshole. I'm glad I’m weird. I'm glad we are both fucked up. At least I'm happy. At least I'm honest.

Sit down and I’ll tell you my stories. My stories over and over till you feel like you've known me for years. I'll talk to you until you want to kill me. I'll tell you everything I've ever thought till you can't explain the feeling of hearing my voice even longer. Then I will talk longer. And longer. I will talk shit. I'll talk nonsense. I'll talk out my neck. I'll say words that don't make sense, but you will understand. You. You. I will celebrate you over and over and tell you ever reason I’ve ever loved you until you understand it. I'll walk you through the pain I’ve felt from your indifference. I'll bring you to my level. I'll make you so aware of me you will be sure I'm actually just you. Not a part. Not a piece. Not a place inside. I will be you. And then I'll shoot myself in the head.

**********